Change with Coaching with Deborah Colleen Rose

Holistic Healing with Transformational  Tutoring

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  Ponderings (Deb's Blog)

 

  • Investigator
  • Mediator
  • Handwriting Therapist
  • Personality profiler
  • Masters NLP Practitioner
  • Public Speaker
  • Author
  • Business Owner and Consultant
  • Corporate Coach/Team
  • Transformational Coach

I have decided for my blog, to not talk about things I do professionally but things that interest me personally. I am like Sheldon on the “Big Bang Theory”. I love being inside my own head. I do. I make myself laugh. I can make myself cry. And the thing is, you do to. And it’s these funny, intense thoughts and ideas that we all roll around inside our heads, that I want to bring out and ponder as my blog develops. I hope I entertain, poke and prod your emotions and give you a few things to think about.

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What "KIND" of People are You?

Posted on August 3, 2015 at 8:00 AM Comments comments (2)


To continue about chunking down to our core emotional response for effective communications, let me refresh you on what chunk communication means:

C = Clear/Concise

H = Honest

U = Uninhibited

N = Natural/Normal

K = Kind

 

Natural and normal. Seems pretty natural to expect that, doesn’t it. I just made myself grin. I can’t imagine being anything but natural. I am nothing close to normal. The normal we are talking about here is about saying and doing things that are normal for you… about being true to your personality and your core being.

If you have a million dollar vocabulary, then you are allowed to use it for the most part. If you have a way of speaking that is indicative to how you were raised, you are allowed to speak that way. Being true to who you are commands respect and puts people at ease. For instance – remember when Madonna decided she should speak with an English accent? I can only say that most people had the attitude of “What’s up with that?” I made myself grin again.

People knew it wasn’t real and it served no purpose to the general public’s way of thinking. Most people can be supportive of change that improves a person, but fake anything just puts us off.

I had my own experience with this as a child. I had a teacher in 5th grade who was a singer that had been trained in opera. She was telling us one day in music that we should make our mouths “O” shaped for a better, resounding sound. I am no singer, first of all. But I love to sing. So I would sing all the time and I would try to make my mouth the “O” shape as I did so. My mother saw this one day and started laughing and asked me what I was doing. I explained and she said, “Just be yourself. Enjoy the song for what it is and besides, it makes you look silly.” I have thought about that a lot growing up. There are times to change our natural direction to stimulate change and growth and then there are other times to enjoy ourselves for who and what we are.

So, unless you are striving for a certain change, be yourself. Do what is normal for you. Temper it with clear, concise, honest and being unhibited and kind and you just can’t go wrong.

 

Transparency Says It All!

Posted on July 27, 2015 at 8:00 AM Comments comments (0)

To continue about chunking down to our core emotional response for effective communications, let me refresh you on what chunk communication means:

C = Clear/Concise

H = Honest

U = Uninhibited

N = Natural/Normal

K = Kind

 

Natural and normal. Seems pretty natural to expect that, doesn’t it. I just made myself grin. I can’t imagine being anything but natural. I am nothing close to normal. The normal we are talking about here is about saying and doing things that are normal for you… about being true to your personality and your core being.

If you have a million dollar vocabulary, then you are allowed to use it for the most part. If you have a way of speaking that is indicative to how you were raised, you are allowed to speak that way. Being true to who you are commands respect and puts people at ease. For instance – remember when Madonna decided she should speak with an English accent? I can only say that most people had the attitude of “What’s up with that?” I made myself grin again.

People knew it wasn’t real and it served no purpose to the general public’s way of thinking. Most people can be supportive of change that improves a person, but fake anything just puts us off.

I had my own experience with this as a child. I had a teacher in 5th grade who was a singer that had been trained in opera. She was telling us one day in music that we should make our mouths “O” shaped for a better, resounding sound. I am no singer, first of all. But I love to sing. So I would sing all the time and I would try to make my mouth the “O” shape as I did so. My mother saw this one day and started laughing and asked me what I was doing. I explained and she said, “Just be yourself. Enjoy the song for what it is and besides, it makes you look silly.” I have thought about that a lot growing up. There are times to change our natural direction to stimulate change and growth and then there are other times to enjoy ourselves for who and what we are.

So, unless you are striving for a certain change, be yourself. Do what is normal for you. Temper it with clear, concise, honest and being unhibited and kind and you just can’t go wrong.

 


Be Yourself!!!

Posted on July 20, 2015 at 8:00 AM Comments comments (0)

This is to continue the discussion about chunking down to our core emotional response for effective communications. Let me refresh you on what chunk communication means:

C = Clear/Concise

H = Honest

U = Uninhibited

N = Natural/Normal

K = Kind

Uninhibited. It is a not so simple word. It has more than two syllables. To be uninhibited is to be loose, to not be restrained by convention, the freedom to act, to express freely.

So what does that actually mean for effective communications? We often hear people say they have no social filters. These people often are perceived to saying any and all things that come to their minds and they probably do? Is this what I mean by being uninhibited? NO!!

Uninhibited actually can be exchanged for the word transparent. Are you transparent in your communications? Many times people come across as being manipulated in their communications. Guess what!! It is because they are!!!

Communications is about asking for and getting what you want and need. So substitute manipulation with the word convincing. Effective communication is about sharing information and convincing other to either agree with you or that you are at least sharing a piece of you and expecting them to honor that information with respect and by listening.

Effective communication can be promoted by the words you use. Using PROPER words is not always the most effective, especially if they feel false or forced. For instance, I am very impassioned person. I like to use short and simple words for the most part, though I have a access to a large vocabulary. I let my passion speak for itself and do not always struggle over making word choices. People can see and hear and feel my passion and this carries more weight than using eloquent words. The passion is the eloquence many times.

The simplest idea of uninhibited comes from my own life. It is so powerful that today I can recall the memory and it is as if I am in the moment again like it is just happening. I was married in my youth to a man who was trying to recover from addictions. The circumstances are not important. At the time, he had hurt me very badly and I was crying. I told him I was in great agony. I was completely uninhibited in sharing my pain, not accusing or angry, just suffering. He was able to see my pain and responded just as equally uninhibited by saying, “I am the cause of your pain. If you truly believe I love you, you will understand that hurting you has to be out of my control as I would never do that if you can see me for who I am.” This was very eloquent for a man of few words, but his passion also carried it straight to my heart. I knew he spoke the truth. I also realized that this truth created its own problems… his lack of control which meant I was not safe with him. And it also was a lesson in empathy which I will discuss in a future sharing with you in my blog. Because of all this information I received in this exchange, I was now able to make better and very difficult decisions about this relationship.

Uninhibited information saved my life. It most certainly can change yours.

 

 

Honest Communications

Posted on July 13, 2015 at 8:00 AM Comments comments (0)

To continue about chunking down to our core emotional response for effective communications, let me refresh you on what chunk communication means:

C = Clear/Concise

H = Honest

U = Uninhibited

N = Natural/Normal

K = Kind

 

Last week, we learned that clear and concise entails accuracy and details. Also needed for effective communication is Honesty. Honesty is the best policy, isn’t it? But what does honesty truly entail?

Honesty is about being HONORABLE in intentions and actions. In this case, we are focused on the words you are using. Are they honorable?

How often do we hear, “Well, the truth hurts, doesn’t it?” And while hearing the truth may be difficult at times; other times words can cut so deep that they cause a person to bleed out emotionally and can cause permanent damage to the psyche.

If you are striving for effective communication, this would not be a practical or even a kind choice. But we will discuss kindness later.

I was teaching a class of professionals that work with children, that included people that worked in the prison system and probation officers. One gentleman kept giving looks of malcontent and was squirming in his seat while I continued on with my sharing of the process. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any more and he even actually stood up to ask his question.

“So you are telling me, that to follow your process, I am supposed to call up this 17 year old punk who is giving me all kinds of problems and say to him, Now boy, you know I care about you and you just can’t keep on missing curefew. I am worried about you!”

He then sat down and seemed quite pleased with himself. Without hesistation, I spoke to him. “No, I would never suggest you say something like that to one of the boys you have on your case load.”

“Why wouldn’t I say that?”

“Because I never once have told this class to lie and that is actually what you would be doing. It is completely obvious that you truly don’t care about this boy and actually find him to be a pain in your tuckus. I know it, this class knows it and the boy surely knows it. And if you lie, you have lost all integrity with him that you might possibly have.”

There was shocked silence in the room. One lady then asked me, “What could he say that would be honest and still allow him to do his job?”

Her is my response: “Look, we don’t have a great relationship. We bump heads all the time. I am your probation officer and I have a job. If you want to stay out of trouble and change the direction of your life, you have a job as well and that makes us have a common goal. So that means you have to be in before your curefew. If you fail to do you job, then I have to still do mine, which is write a report and send it to the judge who will then revoke your probation. So with that understanding on the table, we don’t have to like one another but we at least know how to work together and what is expected and the possible results.”

I then turned to the gentleman and said to him, “You exhibited a lot fo frustration and disrespect in your initial question. If you feel that way more than 30% of the time while working or thinking about work, you would serve yourself better to either get some coaching or consider a career change. You are hurting yourself by not making some kind of shift.”

For some reason, these comments found favor with the class and I got a standing ovation from the group.

What I effectively told the man was that he was really bad at his job probably. I told him in such a way that it was honest, and concise AND it was also KIND. Kind will be discussed later in this blog.

 

 

 

 

Are you Clear And Concise in Communications?

Posted on July 6, 2015 at 8:00 AM Comments comments (0)

Last week, we talked about chunking down to our core emotional response. Chunk communication means: C = Clear/Concise H = Honest U = Uninhibited N = Natural/Normal K = Kind So what does it mean to be clear and concise in our communications? Is it enough to tell people how we feel? And do you ever wonder if the other person actually cares how you feel? Frankly, few people express themselves clearly. While many people express themselves FREELY, this does not mean they are clear and concise in what they are communicating. Just the other day, my husband asked me where I had put his loose change glass. I had knocked it over and broken and had moved his change to another jar but had failed to tell him. I could hear agitation in his voice when he asked me but I did not know WHY he was agitated. So I asked him why he sounded tense. He told me it was no big deal. He would get over it. This was neither clear or concise but he had freely told me this. However, now I felt unsure of what he might need or expect of me, if anything and I certainly did not care for the energy in the room. So I asked if he could give me more DETAILS. He said he FELT like something had been taken from him and he had a reaction to it and he felt SILLY and did not want to bother me with any of his reactions. I pointed out to him that when his energy shifts, I FEEL it and I love him and it is not a bother to me for him to share but actually firms our bond more. I thanked him for sharing and all was well again in our home. By giving me more details, he was clear and concise about what was happening for him and I was able to offer him my positive energy and love and shift the energy in our home quickly and efficiently. No fuss, no muss. I was only able to do this because of his clarity in sharing. How often have you found yourself in a mini-drama with another person, only to later find out it was a huge misunderstanding or that even better, you both were in actual agreement but did not understand the other’s communication? Clear and concise is understanding yourself and what you feel accurately. It is about giving information in as few words as possible, but giving all the important data that is needed for the other person to respond well and efficiently. If you tell me you are hurt and I try to help you with a tourniquet, I will prove to be quite a failure in helping you when I discover you had a burn, not a cut. Accuracy and details are key to have a clear and concise exchange. For more information about this and other effective communication keys, go to deborahrose.com and sign up for my free newsletter and get your free gift.

Core Emotional Response for Comprehensive Communications

Posted on June 30, 2015 at 10:20 AM Comments comments (0)

 

When we know our true emotions, we’re in control of our emotions. Only when we are in control of our emotions can we accurately display our trust, empathy, and confidence. Lose control—and we spin into confusion, depression, and doubt. Learn how to bring your emotions into balance and you improve communication in all your relationships, providing a big boost for your emotional intelligence. The way to do this is to C.H.U.N.K. down till you reach your core emotional response to a situation.

C = Clear/Concise

H = Honest

U = Uninhibited

N = Natural/Normal

K = Kind

Understanding and owning your emotions benefits you by:

Allowing you to navigate satisfying, meaningful relationships

Helping you understand other people

Enabling you to understand yourself

Empowering your communication process

Making you “heart smart” – emotionally intelligent

 

Know what you are really feeling by taking the time to ask yourself – “What is my biggest fear ……or “Why do I feel hurt?” or “Why is this making me happy?” and keep asking yourself these questions until you have a core emotion. For most people core emotions are joy, love, grief, anger and guilt. So until you hit one of these levels, keep asking yourself the right question –“What am I really feeling?”

When you practice this, you are engaging in a strategy called chunking.

Any subject can be viewed in larger or smaller parts or chunks. By adding new associations, chunking lets you see the matter differently. Chunking up puts the issue in perspective, chunking down gives it a new, narrower focus. Top business negotiators use this technique, probably unwittingly, to find a common ground and thereby close the deal in a manner satisfactory to both sides.

 

Simple example of chunking up:

Salad Meal Nourishment Fuel Energy

Simple example of chunking down:

Food Meat Beef Steak Rare T-Bone

 

 

When we chunked up, we went from a fairly concise category of FOOD and chunked it up to be even more inclusive to the point that the category now includes anything that could be used as energy. Besides food, energy could be nuclear, gasoline, batteries and so on.

When we chunked down, using the same category, FOOD became very, very precise to the point that not only did we describe a steak but also how it should be prepared.

 

So when we chunk down to our core emotional response, we are being very, very clear about what we feel and also why we feel that way.

For example, dirty dishes were an issue in my house in regards to how my daughter and I interacted. It got to the point that the kitchen never seemed clean and since that was her “chore”, I think that is all we talked about for days upon days.

Finally, I realized, I had not been chunking down to my core emotional response about this. Yes, I really did have a core emotional response and it was based upon MY model of the world, not hers. To me, seeing all those dishes pile up set off a trigger that my own mother probably is responsible for-(at least for now, I’ll let her take credit for it and I am grinning as I type this), and what those dishes represented to me was being independent and being able to care for a home and yourself.

Once I realized this, I understood that my FEAR was that my daughter would not ever be able to care for herself and be self sufficient. So that is exactly what I told her. I’m not sure who was more shocked by that revelation - her or I. However, it did open the door for some very honest and very insightful conversation for us both.

I would like to say that lead to my kitchen being clean all the time. It did not! But it did lead to it being clean more often and also to me being more understanding about it when it wasn’t. I backed off on pushing her and I think she had pity on me and cleaned more often. The bottom line is that we reached a level of agreement that we both “accepted”, and it was based upon knowing each other better.

Being honest is always best, though it can be painful to expose yourself to others or it can be painful to reveal your fears and idea. Regardless of what you are saying though, you can also be kind, even when sharing even the most unpleasant feelings and ideas. That is the result of true empathy and caring.

 

Exercise – Tell Me What You Really Feel

(Pair up into groups of two.)

 

Pick a situation or circumstance that occurs regularly in your home that creates conflict or chaos.

Describe it to your partner.

How does it make you feel? Is it joy, love, grief, anger and guilt? If it is not, keep asking yourself what you really feel and why until you hit upon one of these emotions.

Once you reached one of these emotions, share it with your partner, the way you could with your child that is clear, concise, honest, uninhibited, normal and kind.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Waht is Your Definition of You??!!

Posted on Comments comments (1)

Which kind of person are you? Do you like labels? Do you like to label yourself?

Do you find your definition of you is constantly changing? Or are you still trying to define yourself?

I am all of those things and more. However, to effectively communicate to you who I am and what I DO, it serves a greater purpose to have a clear definition of at least, what I do and be able to convey that.

To start my new blog, I have a definition of ME on who I can be to YOU!

I am a personal advocate. Whoa. What does that mean?

The basic definition of an advocate is a “person who supports or recommends a particular cause or policy.” I thought to myself, this is a perfect way to define who I am to my clients and what I can do.

I SUPPORT your choices, especially your choices to grow, be happier and to become more of YOU.

I recommend strategies, ideas, life changes and incorporating new ideas and habits that can assist you in becoming more of YOU.

And then I kick it up a notch. I actually go out and seek more info, more ideas, more resources, if what I have in my repertoire of wisdom and experience does not suit you or work for you and this makes me YOUR PARTNER in moving closer to the goal – Becoming more of YOU.

And just what does being more of YOU mean, you might be thinking? For me, it is finding your passions or developing those talents and desires that will lead you to your passions.

It is about fulfilling your life dreams but also your life’s purpose – what resonates deep inside of you of who you are when you feel a longing for something different but can’t quite put your finger on it. It is about being involved deeper with your own insights and emotions, not just to feel better about who you are but to feel better about who you are because you have more to offer to others.

But the bottom line, as your personal advocate, it is my job to help you define what being more of YOU, means to You and what you want to do to achieve that vision.

So here I am, Deborah Colleen Rose, your personal advocate, ready to assist you in your dreams, desires and your destinations in life!


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